Today I am a mess. Emotionally I think I'm getting to a breaking point. Yesterday started off REALLY awful. I went to the Dr {because he missed my apt on Monday due to a delivery} and he wanted to check my blood pressure, my blood pressure was the same as its been and still no signs of Pre-E but he wanted to send me to the hospital anyways, I politelly told him no thank you so he is giving me the weekend and I go in for my normal visit again on Monday. He told me that way I would have the weekend to prepare for going to the hospital. Why someone would say that when your blood pressure is already high is unknown to me, I thought you wanted my blood pressure to go down doc, statements like that are NOT going to help. I was so frustrated and I'm obviously already emotional and after a few different conversations with people I lost it and was a complete and total wreck! I sucked it up and against all my doctors wishes I went and shot a wedding. It was nice to get out of the house for the day since I've been on bedrest for a few weeks now and whenever I go out shooting it helps make me feel better. I got home late and I went right to bed and slept like a rock.
Today I've been laying on the couch all day trying to keep busy with crochet and netflix but its been really hard to keep my mind focused on anything. I keep thinking about being put in the hospital on Monday for my non stress tests and my Dr {that I still have mixed feelings about} trying to keep me there until baby is born, which will not work for me for many reasons, or him saying my blood pressure is to high and wanting to induce and me having a baby next week, which I am SO not ready for. Not mentally, emotionally, and definatlly not in the petty sense of having my house ready or of getting all the things done I want to before she comes. You know, the silly things like baby showers and maternity pictures, and lets not forget about all the decorations and things for her room!
She needs to cook for a few more weeks anyways so she's big and strong and ready to come home!
I don't need people to tell me that all that matters is whats best for baby and me, do you really think i'm that dumb or selfish?? I do want whats best for her, but that doesn't mean that my personallity is going to go out the window over night, I'm still OCD and I still worry about everything and I still want things to go to plan as much as possible. Obviously if thats not going to work out its not, but that doesn't mean that I can't still want things to go how I want them to.
