my goal was

to blog something everyday, even if it was just something small... i'm obviously failing BIG time! Anyway, I've been struggling a lot the last year or so with the way I look, and I know you're thinking "then do something about it" and don't think I haven't tried! Back in 08 I went to the Dr because I literally had no energy. I woke up went to work (at a desk job) forced myself through an hour work out came home and went to bed and normally didn't wake up until the next day unless my mom came in to get me for dinner. My Dr looked me over took some blood samples and told me to stop watching tv and go for walks instead. Um... were you even listening to me doc? I don't watch tv I can't even keep my eyes open for ten mins when I get home let alone sit and watch tv for hours on end! He gave me some 'weight loss' pills and told me that should help... it did give me insomnia :) but now I'm back to square one and I do not want to go back to a Dr and pay all that money just so he can look at me like some fat chick that just wants a magic pill because thats not what I want, I'm willing to work hard for it, in fact this spring I got a gym buddie and we went every morning for at least an hour and I was sweating my butt off, started watching what I was eating and stopped soda for a couple months ( I did have my wedding coming up and I wanted to look fab) well 5 months later my buddie was down 15lbs and a bunch of inches and was buying new jeans and I... well I was inch for inch pound for pound exactly the same, actually I think I even gained a pound and almost didn't fit in my wedding dress anymore!!!! So then I'm stuck in this whats the point of working out and dieting if nothings going to happen after 5 months, another month wont change anything! Being over weight is the hardest struggle I've had to deal with in my life, other things happen that are horrible but I learn to move on and it gets better... this, well no matter what I do it wont go away! I know that people look at me differently because of my weight, and that I'm not really accepted by society since my BMI is 2 points away from obese! I feel like I look pretty until I see a mirror or even worse my picture!! So tomorrow it starts again.. 5am dates with the gym, and if nothing happens I guess I'll find a new Dr and go back and hopefully get something figured out.... . 

 

Spiders...

If you know me at all, you know that I am completely terrified of spiders! Today while I was shaking and hyperventilating I killed one! He looked a little like this... 

Travis...

I was reminded by a friend today that it had been 15 years this week since one of our friends (her best friend) past away. It was only a couple of weeks after his birthday. I remember a lot of things from that day/week. 

I remember that there were a bunch of us neighborhood kids playing in a friends backyard, I was jumping on their trampoline when I heard the sirens, we all realized they were getting really close and everyone froze almost as if we were waiting for them to pull in to the driveway! Then they stopped. I don't remember anything else, I'm sure we all just went back to playing thinking nothing of it, I mean we were a bunch of 9 and 10 year olds! That night when I got home, my mom sat me down at the table and told me what had happened. "Travis is in the hospital" she said. I remember asking her why and she didn't say anything for a very long time and then she told me "he was walking home from the golf course today when a car jumped the curb an hit him. He isn't doing very well and if you want we can go visit him" I don't think I said anything... and if I did, it must have been no. I never went to see him and I'm not sure why I just know that now I am glad I didn't. I don't want the last sight of him to be in a hospital bed with tubes and bruises all over him, I want it to be the one I have of him laughing. I remember singing at the funeral, we sang I am a child of god.  We also sang the fourth verse that is a little harder to find it goes:

I am a child of God.

His promises are sure;

Celestial glory shall be mine

If I can but endure.

It is such an amazing song, so simple yet so powerful! I remember after we sang I was sitting in the bench and everyone was so sad and crying, and for some reason as sad as I was, I couldn't cry. I tried again at the grave site to cry and I couldn't do it, for a long time I thought that meant that I either wasn't sad, or that something was wrong with me, now I know better. I'm ok with death. Travis was a great kid, and would have grown up to be a wonderful man. I think of him a lot, which to me is strange because I wasn't that great of friends with him, we just hung out with all the friends together mostly. But I often find myself feeling guilty, guilty that I was able to grow up and have all these experiences and get married and he didn't get that... then I remember that he lives with God and I don't and it helps a little but I still feel bad that he didn't get these chances. I was reading about how one of our friends was still so mad at the girl that hit him and it really breaks my heart that she is still so upset. I guess I've never been good with the hate thing but I feel just as bad for her as I do for his family. They lost their brother, son, grandson... and she has to live with that her entire life that it's because of her that a little boy never got to grow up. Thats a hard thing to live with. I try to imagine if I had a son and his life was taken early because of an accident like this one.. would I be strong enough to trust in the Lord and forgive the person? I hope I would... I think that living with the hate would be to much for me and would tear me down to pieces. I don't think that taking revenge on the girl that caused this accident would help anyone feel better, it might at first but then you would realize that he's still not here and probably realize that she's already beat her self up more then once about what happened and that no physical harm that you could do to her could be as bad as what she's put herself through. I used to go and visit Travis, I didn't have much to say so I would just sit in silence for a moment thinking of what he might be like if he'd lived. Then I would get in my car and drive away. I feel bad that I don't visit anymore, but I still have my moments that I think of what he would be like and I think thats the important part! Keeping him in our hearts until we see him again in heaven. My hope is that his family is doing ok, that all of the friends he had can understand and be comforted by the holy spirit and let go of the anger and forgive and just remember the good things about Travis. He was obviously a very special young man for God to want him back so soon! 

No words...

Not only am I completely ashamed but also disgusted with the human race! I was reading the follow up story about the two boys in WVC that got in a fight over an Ipod that led to one boys death and I am at the very least in complete shock at the comments people are leaving. (again back to my post yesterday about people) But really, the comments today are along the lines of: 

He was begging to be killed, he should have never confronted him

This was complete self defense and the other boy deserved this

and they just went on and on... I'm sorry, I don't care who you are but at 15 you certainly do NOT deserve to be stabbed to death over an Ipod, and even still if you think it was self defense you can have remorse for the families, and yes both families because one has lost their son completely and the other will lose theirs to prison. I'm sorry but stabbing someone twice and then fleeing is not self defense, if you were worried about your safety, you were just outside of a store, go in the store and tell the manager, don't grab your knife and start stabbing people. It's so hard to judge and thankfully that's not my job, however its not hard to see why kids are acting like this, they are constantly watching killing and violence on tv, movies, the news, their video games, the music they listen too, everywhere you look there is violence. I hope I can raise my kids one day to have better tempers and not be so quick to act without thinking first! I know it will be even harder because the world it just getting worse!  My heart goes out to both of these families, and hopefully they will be able to find some sort of peace and understanding. 

oh and PS- I know it might not sound like it from my last couple of post but I am MUCH happier this week then I was last! There just has been more horrible news this week then last week!