Day One... plus my life

So yesterday was the first day of my 'starvation' if you will :) I didn't find myself wanting to eat because I was hungry, more because everyone else around me was eating! We had a meeting first thing in the morning and all my co-workers were chowing down on candy the whole time and kept asking if I wanted some, not only did I decline because I had to but also because it was 9:30am and I didn't really want any, but at that moment I realized that I am a social eater. I probably have gained 30+ lbs simple from eating just because everyone else is eating! The only other thing I had a hard time with yesterday was being cold and REALLY wanting some hot cocoa, and it was my nephews birthday so I sang and then watched everyone else chow down on cake lol. I guess there are worse things in life right? I was extremely excited when I got on the scale today and I had lost 2.4 lbs!! That was enough motivation to get me through today (so far) I figure at this rate I should be around 20-30lbs lighter by the end of the month, which is absolutely insane! I'm going for the 30 that way if I gain a few back I wont be AS sad about it! This 2 liters of water a day is also a struggle, not so much the drinking it part, but the having to go pee every 20 mins super sucks! My boss probably thinks I'm crazy! I didn't tell anyone at work partly because they are all boys and partly because I'm still the new girl and I don't know them very well so its kind of out of place for me to announce that I will be on a VERY strict diet for the next month. Good thing I'll be driving for 15 hours on Halloween and wont be sitting there munching on candy waiting for trick or treaters :) Speaking of that drive I think that is the only thing that keeps me going these days, is the count down until I see Kasey again. I never knew it could be like this. Its so awful! I thought I would be just fine, but honestly I feel bad for any one that has to be around me! I snap at everything and I just want to sit around and not do anything. I find myself thinking what is the point of doing anything if he's not doing it with me? I think that's a good and bad thing! Good that I'm that in love with him that I just want to be with him all of the time but bad because he is almost becoming my addiction. I'm hoping that I'm only addicted because I hardly get to see him. I guess its like chocolate ice cream... I ALWAYS want chocolate ice cream but I hardly ever actually go and get it, so for weeks I'll be craving it and then as soon as its gone I start wanting it again because I know I wont actually get more for a month or so, and if someone asks me if I want vanilla I say no because I don't want to waste my ice cream joys on plain ol vanilla... WOW I can't believe I just compared my bf to ice cream lol... Things are going good though, I'm excited about losing weight, I'm counting down the days until this diet is over so that I can really work out again, and in 15 days I will be getting on a tiny little plane flying to KS to see Kasey, and this time not for 2 days but for 2 weeks!!! I can't hardly wait! He really is the best thing that's happened to me in a REALLY long time and I am so lucky to have someone that loves me so much and treats me so well! AND to top it all off he still puts up with all my crap! He is still going to heaven for that, I don't think I've met anyone so patient in my life!

When I grow up...

I always wanted to be a writer... I've just never been that good :) I figure it's just like anything else right? You just need to practice to become better! So I'm going to join an Article Directory and start writting! Maybe then I'll update my blog more too!!

I am a follower...

Do you ever look at a picture that someone took of you and think "when the hell did that happen?" I've been feeling that way for some time now! When I'm not looking in the mirror or at a recent picture of myself I feel pretty, I think I am pretty but... I also think I still look like I did 5 years ago, back before I put on 50lbs. Now I'm not one of those typical girls that is afraid to say my weight... I am 185lbs. I got on the scale yesterday morning... the morning that I started my 'diet' if you can call it that. I have never been one to 'follow the crowd' so to say, but a few weeks ago I decided that I was SO sick of the way I feel when I look at a picture of myself that I didn't care what I had to do I was getting rid of this extra FAT and I was going to do it fast! I for the first time in my life have become a follower of a 'fad' if you will. I am doing the HCG diet. Not those awful shots though, I'm doing HCG drops, they are the same thing though, I just wont look like I shoot up in my free time! I have a feeling this will be the hardest next few weeks of my life! Not so much because I have an over eating problem and now I'll hardly be eating anything, I think more because I eat out of habit, so having to pay attention to WHEN I'm eating for the first time in my life is going to be a little tricky! If I could change just one thing in my life, it would be that I would have never quit dancing. I used to be so active all the time that I could eat whatever and whenever I wanted and never gain an ounce let alone a whole pound! But when I went to collage I dropped down to 2 dance classes and after a few semesters I wasn't even taking those and BOOM between no physical activity in my life and my wedding getting called off and me being a comfort eater... well I don't think I need to tell you what happened, I mean if you've seen me then you know!! Now I know I'm not 700lbs or anything but most of the time I feel that way, I HATE getting my picture taken because when I see the image I hardly even know who the person in the picture is and I'm embarrassed and I want to lock myself away and just cry and never eat again. Instead I do the opposite, I call a friend and go to lunch or dinner or out for ice cream. Five years ago I was a wearing a very baggy size 3 juniors pant and today I have to jump into a woman's 10/12 and pray they stretch out before I get to work! So its not so much that I'm SO HUGE its just that what I'm used to being and what I think I am... well compared to that I am HUGE. I don't want to be a size 3 I would look sickly but I wouldn't mind being a size 6 and I am sick of telling everyone I'm going to do it and then losing 5-10lbs and stopping and then gaining it back! And I am going to start bringing my gym bag with me to work so I can go straight to the gym everyday for an hour and work out! I don't want to be a skin saggin skinny person, I want to be a toned person, like the person I used to be! I want my 4 pack abs back and I want to walk down the street and turn heads again. I know that sounds so shallow but I just want to feel pretty again and not hate the way I look, and tell my friends I'm busy or I don't feel good when really I just don't want to go out in public because of the way I look.

Anyways... So tomorrow by this time I might be a little hungry but in 2 weeks when I get back on that scale and it says 170 I wont even be able to remember that I was hungry! And first things first, as soon as I drop this extra 40-50lbs I'm getting a BRAND NEW drivers licence picture taken :) Wish me luck!! I'm going to need it!

HE'S HOME!!!!

Ok yes I know that I am WAAAAY behind on blogging!! Funny thing is that I have the time and sometimes at work I think 'hmm what should I do for the next 20 mins' and yet I never remember to blog... SORRY! Anyways 2 things real fast,

First: KASEY IS HOME FROM IRAQ!!!! I love him so much and I am so glad to have him in the same country even though he is stationed out at Ft Riley until May :( but he is amazing and it was SO good to see him even if it was only for a few hours before I had to come home!

Second: how wonderful is by boyfriend?? So wonderful that he is driving right now as we speak.. (ok well as I type) and will be here in 2 hours!!! He is coming home for the weekend for my birthday!!! Yes today is by bday and its never been a huge deal to me but I would have to say that I am getting the BEST gift this year! Kasey is home from Iraq and coming to spend the weekend with me! What could be better?? I don't think anything :)

PS- I promise next week to update you on every detail of my life (well not really EVERY detail) but enough that you'll feel like we have known each other forever and we are best friends lol. Until then everyone have a FABULOUS weekend, I know I will!!!