Better than me

Kasey is SO much better than I am! I have major trust issues, and its not his fault.. its just been the last 10 years of mine. It really stems back to high school, I was 'so in love' with the guy I was dating and everyone really thought we would get married. He even gave me a 'promise ring' and we were perfect. That is until we were in the parking lot going into a high school dance, I was all dolled up and he was looking pretty good if I remember correctly. I was about to open my door and he grabbed my hand and said "I don't think this is working out" I couldn't breath I couldn't believe what he had just said so of course I asked for clarification "what do you mean?" and with his emotionless face I will never forget the next words that came out of his mouth.

"I can't date you... What if something better comes along?"

those words have ruined every relationship I have been in since! I don't blame him, he was just a young stupid high school boy that didn't know better and even though we've stayed friends and he's told me that was the biggest mistake of his life, I've always known that I was just the filler for anyone that I've dated while they were waiting to find something better. It doesn't help that my only two serious bf's after that both cheated on me and then left for their 'something better'

Kasey deserves the very best because that's what he is! He is the most amazing person. I am trying SO hard to forget my past and move on, and even more so today! I hardly ever fight with Kasey, lol its kind of hard to fight with someone you never see :) but yesterday I was super depressed for who knows what reason, and I just wanted to talk to him on skype but he had his friends in his room so he said get on yahoo (at this moment my mind FREAKS) I didn't want to talk to him on yahoo, wasn't that the point of him coming home was now we had real ways to talk, like skype and the cell? My mind started going crazy asking why would he only want to talk to me on yahoo?? Is there someone in the room he doesn't want me to see? He has been acting 'busy' all day... I wonder who he is really with and what he is really doing? I've been told it all 'i love you why would you think I'm cheating on you' and 'I'm just hanging out with the guys' and 'your acting crazy' or even 'I'm busy working i can't talk to you right now' and its all been lies because they were with 'her' So I being the crazy emotional mess of a person I am, I say something about it (even though I'm 99.9% sure that its all just being made up in my head) then the arguments began... and I totally agree with him (today) He has NEVER given me a reason to doubt his honestly or faithfulness and we have been though ALOT of crap together! Its funny how much you can go through with someone when they are 7000 miles away! I think he said it best when he pointed out that 'shit happens' I just need to realize that he is different. Kasey is like a fairytale I never thought I would have. He says the things you only hear in movies and he treats me like the most important thing in the world, I guess to him... I am. Which I still have a hard time with, because of other things that have happened in my life (which are still to personal to blog to the world about) When I saw him in KS for the first time in 7 months I was shaking I was so excited! I was talking to Annie and she was telling me how cute we are together and how sweet he is on me (lol totally a 50's phrase) and I asked her why and she said because the second he saw me his face light up and he started walking as fast as he could to get to me. Which I was oblivious to at the time because I was so excited to see him all i could worry about was trying not to cry or pass out! I love that he gets SUPER angry when I wont kiss him in public because he 'doesn't care who sees it, he wants everyone in the world to know he loves me' I love how he stares at me in the car because he 'thinks I'm so pretty' (I keep telling him I'm taking him to the eye doctor for that!) and I absolutely LOVE when he puts his hand on my cheek and then moves it back to my neck and then pulls me in for a kiss... and the way he rolls his eyes at me every time I have to stop in the baby clothes section of any store because the clothes are just to freaking cute to not look at! Anyways... I just keep praying that he never realizes how much better he is than me and how he deserves so much more than me and moves on to his 'something better'