I am a follower...

Do you ever look at a picture that someone took of you and think "when the hell did that happen?" I've been feeling that way for some time now! When I'm not looking in the mirror or at a recent picture of myself I feel pretty, I think I am pretty but... I also think I still look like I did 5 years ago, back before I put on 50lbs. Now I'm not one of those typical girls that is afraid to say my weight... I am 185lbs. I got on the scale yesterday morning... the morning that I started my 'diet' if you can call it that. I have never been one to 'follow the crowd' so to say, but a few weeks ago I decided that I was SO sick of the way I feel when I look at a picture of myself that I didn't care what I had to do I was getting rid of this extra FAT and I was going to do it fast! I for the first time in my life have become a follower of a 'fad' if you will. I am doing the HCG diet. Not those awful shots though, I'm doing HCG drops, they are the same thing though, I just wont look like I shoot up in my free time! I have a feeling this will be the hardest next few weeks of my life! Not so much because I have an over eating problem and now I'll hardly be eating anything, I think more because I eat out of habit, so having to pay attention to WHEN I'm eating for the first time in my life is going to be a little tricky! If I could change just one thing in my life, it would be that I would have never quit dancing. I used to be so active all the time that I could eat whatever and whenever I wanted and never gain an ounce let alone a whole pound! But when I went to collage I dropped down to 2 dance classes and after a few semesters I wasn't even taking those and BOOM between no physical activity in my life and my wedding getting called off and me being a comfort eater... well I don't think I need to tell you what happened, I mean if you've seen me then you know!! Now I know I'm not 700lbs or anything but most of the time I feel that way, I HATE getting my picture taken because when I see the image I hardly even know who the person in the picture is and I'm embarrassed and I want to lock myself away and just cry and never eat again. Instead I do the opposite, I call a friend and go to lunch or dinner or out for ice cream. Five years ago I was a wearing a very baggy size 3 juniors pant and today I have to jump into a woman's 10/12 and pray they stretch out before I get to work! So its not so much that I'm SO HUGE its just that what I'm used to being and what I think I am... well compared to that I am HUGE. I don't want to be a size 3 I would look sickly but I wouldn't mind being a size 6 and I am sick of telling everyone I'm going to do it and then losing 5-10lbs and stopping and then gaining it back! And I am going to start bringing my gym bag with me to work so I can go straight to the gym everyday for an hour and work out! I don't want to be a skin saggin skinny person, I want to be a toned person, like the person I used to be! I want my 4 pack abs back and I want to walk down the street and turn heads again. I know that sounds so shallow but I just want to feel pretty again and not hate the way I look, and tell my friends I'm busy or I don't feel good when really I just don't want to go out in public because of the way I look.

Anyways... So tomorrow by this time I might be a little hungry but in 2 weeks when I get back on that scale and it says 170 I wont even be able to remember that I was hungry! And first things first, as soon as I drop this extra 40-50lbs I'm getting a BRAND NEW drivers licence picture taken :) Wish me luck!! I'm going to need it!