Travis...

I was reminded by a friend today that it had been 15 years this week since one of our friends (her best friend) past away. It was only a couple of weeks after his birthday. I remember a lot of things from that day/week. 

I remember that there were a bunch of us neighborhood kids playing in a friends backyard, I was jumping on their trampoline when I heard the sirens, we all realized they were getting really close and everyone froze almost as if we were waiting for them to pull in to the driveway! Then they stopped. I don't remember anything else, I'm sure we all just went back to playing thinking nothing of it, I mean we were a bunch of 9 and 10 year olds! That night when I got home, my mom sat me down at the table and told me what had happened. "Travis is in the hospital" she said. I remember asking her why and she didn't say anything for a very long time and then she told me "he was walking home from the golf course today when a car jumped the curb an hit him. He isn't doing very well and if you want we can go visit him" I don't think I said anything... and if I did, it must have been no. I never went to see him and I'm not sure why I just know that now I am glad I didn't. I don't want the last sight of him to be in a hospital bed with tubes and bruises all over him, I want it to be the one I have of him laughing. I remember singing at the funeral, we sang I am a child of god.  We also sang the fourth verse that is a little harder to find it goes:

I am a child of God.

His promises are sure;

Celestial glory shall be mine

If I can but endure.

It is such an amazing song, so simple yet so powerful! I remember after we sang I was sitting in the bench and everyone was so sad and crying, and for some reason as sad as I was, I couldn't cry. I tried again at the grave site to cry and I couldn't do it, for a long time I thought that meant that I either wasn't sad, or that something was wrong with me, now I know better. I'm ok with death. Travis was a great kid, and would have grown up to be a wonderful man. I think of him a lot, which to me is strange because I wasn't that great of friends with him, we just hung out with all the friends together mostly. But I often find myself feeling guilty, guilty that I was able to grow up and have all these experiences and get married and he didn't get that... then I remember that he lives with God and I don't and it helps a little but I still feel bad that he didn't get these chances. I was reading about how one of our friends was still so mad at the girl that hit him and it really breaks my heart that she is still so upset. I guess I've never been good with the hate thing but I feel just as bad for her as I do for his family. They lost their brother, son, grandson... and she has to live with that her entire life that it's because of her that a little boy never got to grow up. Thats a hard thing to live with. I try to imagine if I had a son and his life was taken early because of an accident like this one.. would I be strong enough to trust in the Lord and forgive the person? I hope I would... I think that living with the hate would be to much for me and would tear me down to pieces. I don't think that taking revenge on the girl that caused this accident would help anyone feel better, it might at first but then you would realize that he's still not here and probably realize that she's already beat her self up more then once about what happened and that no physical harm that you could do to her could be as bad as what she's put herself through. I used to go and visit Travis, I didn't have much to say so I would just sit in silence for a moment thinking of what he might be like if he'd lived. Then I would get in my car and drive away. I feel bad that I don't visit anymore, but I still have my moments that I think of what he would be like and I think thats the important part! Keeping him in our hearts until we see him again in heaven. My hope is that his family is doing ok, that all of the friends he had can understand and be comforted by the holy spirit and let go of the anger and forgive and just remember the good things about Travis. He was obviously a very special young man for God to want him back so soon!